Faith over Fear
Its been 38 minutes and I've been staring at a blank screen saying to myself "Faith over fear, what is faith over fear?" Its not that I don't know, I just don't know where to begin. Its pretty self explanatory but for me there are so many reasons I needed this shirt and now I have to pick one or two to share. Do I get really personal or do I just give the text book version? This entire spiritual journey has been personal. So lets get personal.
In 2017 I was deployed and in a relationship. This was my year! The year that I'd get back in shape, I'd get promoted to E5 and finally get the respect I deserved. I replayed this over and over in my head. Me getting home and my boyfriend pinning me E5 in front of my family and then proposing! How corny right? I know especially since I've never been the type of girl to envision any of this. I never been the type of girl that had her wedding day planned out. I didn't even know my ring size or what a sweetheart neckline was. But this, this I wanted bad and I just knew I could do it. Welp, by the end of the deployment I was still an E4 with no signs of being promoted (even though I did EVERYTHING) and my boyfriend asked for a break! I wasn't even home yet so how do I fix this? He got home before me and the distance was killing him but what can I do? What could I do from Kuwait? Everything I'd hope for out of this year was crashing and I was stuck on a base where I had to maintain military bearing and pretend everything was ok. I had not idea if I was coming or going at this point.
Dec 24, 2017, we board a plane to head back to the states and I am terrified because I don't know what I'm going home to. I'm embarrassed in so many ways but most of all I'm scared because I'm losing the one thing I thought was right in my life. Merry effing Christmas. As expected I make it safely home and right before our 3year anniversary I was told "I want to be single" . Everything I knew, everything I wanted, everything I prayed for was gone. Why? What was I doing wrong? Where do I go from here? I was literally at my lowest point in life and everything just kept getting worse. After questioning God I just started praying because it was all I had the strength to do. If this isn't working that means there must be something better for me right?
This is what I told myself to get through the day but everything reminded me how unhappy I was. Literally everything. The lunch table at work where I would call him just to vent or say I love you, the tiles on the bathroom floor where I hid to talk to him before he went to sleep on deployment. The stairway at school where I get the best service to send him text during our breaks. Every bit of my apartment, every time I went to drill and leadership from other units ask why I'm not an E5 yet. Everything had a memory and every moment that I was breathing I was hurting. Even typing this years later it still makes me teary eyed. Not because I haven't healed but because I have come so far from this place! Thank you Jesus!
I needed change. I needed to get away from every reminder of this terrible chapter of life. Everything that was familiar made me cry and everything that was new scared the f*$# out of me. I had no idea what I was supposed to do but I was tired of crying. God wouldn't tell me why this was happening but I was told to have faith. I cried one last time, took a deep breath and made the decision to leave. Everything that I had known for the last 4 years had come to a complete stop. My relationship was over, I finished school, quit both jobs, I didn't renew my lease and I went into the inactive reserves. With no plans, I packed up all my things and moved 16 hours away. I prayed every night and I thanked God every morning. Even though I had nothing, I had faith. Yes I was still terrified, I just gave up everything with no sign of a reward. But I had faith. The more I said it out loud the more I believed it. The more I believed it the more my blessings rolled in. Don't get me wrong, I still get scared. So scared that I want vomit but that just lets me know that I have a blessing on the way. So I put my faith over my fear and I thank God in advance.